Friday, February 29, 2008

What about Bob?


This is simple. Honestly. Usually when asked to “Please choose a well-known movie, book, painting, sculpture, speech, song, performance, or other manifestation of human artistic expression.”, and then to “Describe how it fails to attain perfection.”, one could really get their brain tied in a knot. Not this fella. No sir-ee Bob.

Bob just happens to be the orchestrator if this, dare I say it…Blog-a-Thon…yuck! ::spits::

You can read the musings of Bob here

Well gee Bob, here is my humble response to your not-so-humble task:

Creation.

All of it, The World, Everything, Earth, Sky, Genesis, and on the seventh day he was too pooped out to keep going, etcetera etcetera.

If only I were God. Let’s just go ahead and start with Mosquitoes. In some places, mosquitoes are seen as reincarnations of the dead, condemned by the sins of their former lives to the condition of Jiki-ketsu-gaki, or "blood-drinking pretas". Any way you look at it, they are an annoyance of the highest degree. Now why would the Big Hippie Upstairs create an insect that carries viruses and parasites from person to person, all without actually catching the disease themselves? Maybe in 200 years, if the sun hasn’t burnt out, scientists will find a mosquito that has been petrified in a glowing hunk of Baltic Amber, and bring Ol’ Dirty Bastard back to life. Then, and only then, will the existence of mosquitoes be justified.

Now, I will agree that the reproductive process is a beautiful marvel, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about how we pro-create. However, I also wouldn’t mind having the sexual organs of both males and females. Pardon my crassness, but there’s just something so enticing about the thought of going home after a stressful day of work, and fucking yourself.

On the seventh day, instead of resting, how about putting in the due diligence required for creating weather and it’s patterns. I’m quite positive the fine people of Oklahoma and Oz will all agree: Tornados aren’t that great. Oh wow…how spectacular…look at Mother Nature do her thang!

Question:
When creating the “Tornado” do you go with Plan A or Plan B?

A) You know what sounds good? How about a violently rotating column of air that rips through small, rural towns, leaving nothing but a trail death and destruction?
B) What do you think of a pastel-colored bunny-rabbit with three heads? One head a bunny, the head of a cute little African American baby, and the head of a cute little Asian baby. And instead of leaving a trial of death and destruction, Tornado leaves a trial of perfectly ripened mangos and avocados.

The answer seems pretty clear. Far-fetched you say? Well, um, I AM the CREATOR after all. As long as I’m at it, I think I’m going to just go ahead erase the term “far-fetched” from mankind. Do you have a problem with that? Well that’s too bad because it’s my world and you’re living in it. I just un-created you.

Friday, February 15, 2008

National Award