Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Question: What is the best way to fill a music venue with aggressive homoeroticism?

Sitting here, carefully attempting to superglue together the remnants of my brain, I begin to regain some of life's most critical skills...mobility, rational thought process, the ability to form a complete sentence, etc. As for my hearing, well that's another story, thanks to last night's sonic-blitzkrieg courtesy of the Mars Volta.

Needless to say, waking up was no easy task: Where am I? What happened last night? Why is there a river of dried blood running from my ears? Why did everyone in the crowd last night feel that it was their civic duty to act like a complete testosterone filled asshole?
Oh that's right...Pants, then shoes.

Apparently there is a new set of guidelines one must follow when attending a hard rock concert:

1) When maneuvering through the crowd, you must, well, not maneuver through the crowd. Otherwise some Ratso Rizzo/neanderthal hybrid will greet you with a "Yo, keep on movin" or "Don't even think of standin' here". Was anyone else aware that Ticketmaster sold tickets for specific plots of ground upon which to stand?

2) The person behind you is there to serve as a recliner. When watching a band perform, be sure to lean as far back as possible, allowing the person to your rear, a yummy bite of Pert-Plus-potpourried rat's nest, you call hair.

3) Carelessly bump into everyone. Hard! When traveling from point A to point B, rather than a polite "excuse me", just use your shoulders and aim for the chest. Not getting to your destination with enough brute force? Why not use your elbows! Just imagine you're the praying mantis and walk with your arms akimbo, sharply digging that elbow into anything and everything.

I'm always on my best behavior the 1-2 times a year that I am forced beyond my will to ride the LIRR and Path Trains, all I ask is that you troglodytes do the same.

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